It's been a long time!

It's been a long time since I have been here, where I could express anything and get it out of my system and move on.  As I type each letter I can feel anxiety in my body, and it is now that I realize why I ran from here.  I thought maybe I could do then pen and paper kinda of journaling, and I might for my quicker thoughts but at the end of the day the techy in me makes it easier to pour it all out here, and the helper in me hopes that if someone reads this and I can save them because they no longer feel alone i have accomplished something in my life.  The fear of being completely honest has me stumbling over my keys.  A part of me also just made it way to easy to vent on FB, or to easily share something that tugged at my heart, not realizing that depending on timing of things people were taking things out of context and personal.  I am thankful for those that when in times feel something is about them have reached out to me for clarification, and I have been honest about my responses.  Sometimes they are truly just random thoughts, sometimes it is just the poison I need to get out of my system, sometimes it actually has nothing to do with what is going in on my life at all and is something that I felt maybe someone else could get something from (no one in particular). 

Taking a deep breath and coming to the realization that this is home, I can not run from here because of the words that are typed here or in fear of reliving my past by reading where I once was.  

I have come a long way yet have fallen back into really bad habits.  Habits that stem from my child hood.  Habits that come out when I feel like I have lost control of all aspects of my life, when I feel like I am unheard or shut up with no regard, when I feel as though I am beyond misunderstood, when I feel like I am having to apologize for my every action even though I did nothing wrong.  

I have been in a unhealthy place mentally for quite some time, and when I take a step back there is usually something WAY deeper behind it, but its the small stuff that triggers it.  

I feel as if I am failing in many aspects of my life and hurting those around me, and I am probably being way too hard on myself, but the geek in me just wishes there was a book I could pick up and it would tell me what I need to do.  

Without the book and now that the children are getting old enough I do know that I ned to start taking steps to getting me back, and getting back on track with my goals in life, I want to get back into school and finish what I know I am capable of first and foremost.

I want to work on my marriage and parenting skills, finances and just bettering myself in general, I want to surround myself with people that want to be in my life not feel that they are obligated to be in my life because of who we know etc.  I am a honest keep it real kinda person, and at times come across too harsh, I have no problem admitting when I am wrong, and attempting to rephrase what has been said in a gentler manner. I want to focus on the positive things in my life vs the negative things.  We as humans in general are not perfect, but at the end of the day I am blessed with a amazing, caring, go all out for me, supportive, beyond loving, passionate, affectionate husband who loves every ounce of me for who and what I am, who accepts my faults and moves on, who loves me unconditionally.  I have 3 amazing, healthy children who each have their special charms and way to warm my heart and pick me up when I am down.  

I know that having to put my goals on the back burner has made me slightly resentful, and maybe even bitter.  I had not planned to be a stay at home mom, let alone for this long, but once again it could be worse and instead of focusing on the negative I should and will (and usually am most of the time) be grateful that I get to be here for my children, that they are not being raised by someone, grateful that I don't have to drag them out of their comfort zone on a daily basis, thankful that I am not missing their milestones.

At 33 I def did not expect to be where I am at in life, but I am here and there is no turning back.  I will make the best of it and try to find the positive in it all, while remembering it could be worse.