Grieving

"I will live with baggage of sadness and keep it close, because it was “my” journey. I respect it, and understand my metamorphosis now as it transformed me to be who I am. I get to draw on deep strength because of it, however, I will never give my grief the power to define who I am, because then..it wins"

I borrowed this from one of the widow groups I am a part of.  I read this definitely when I needed it most.  At times of convenience or even at times un known to me I have allowed grief to define who I am and how I should act (in my own head).  It is a part of my journey yes, but it does not have to be something that I carry as a emotion of sadness, anger etc.  It is something that I will work through just like anything else, something I will take as a learning lesson, and deal with the emotions as they come vs holding them all in and running from anything that reminds me of the sadness it can bring.  I will start to look at the positive as well..if it was not for that change in my life would I be where I am at now?  Would I have ever been a stay at home mom, being able to help Ariyana in Kinder class, attend whatever field trips she wants me to etc and truly watch her grow, Would I have my other two beautiful children?  I moved fast, and made life normal as possible for Ariyana and I...but at the end of the day I think I spent so much time making things better for her that I forgot to take care of me.  Now that she is old enough, and so are the other two it is time to get back to taking care of me.  Some will never understand what I have gone through and instead will judge what I have done, but at the end of the day until you have walked in my shoes your judgement means nothing to me... It has not been a easy road no matter how easy I have made it seem, at times even fooling myself.  As much as I was not a firm believer in the steps of grieving (no matter the order) I am learning that they do exist and if not dealt with will come deal you the biggest hand of all....and unfortunately when you least expect it.