Bittersweet

Today I made a decision, made a decision to move on.... It is truly a bittersweet one, but one that I know I have to do. This month (jan 20th to be exact) would have marked our 10 year anniversary! The plans we had, well mostly me but he went with it cuz he knew it would make me happy. The plan was to renew our vows in front of all of those that have been there for us and loved us. We got married downtown and had 4 people at our wedding, he knew I missed having my dream wedding. Our first dance song was going to be Still the One by Shania Twain. It was going to be perfect and we were going to have our daughter there with us. This dream is a dream that will never be fulfilled, but will never be forgotten. Today I made a decision that after this year I will no longer celebrate my wedding anniversaries, I will move forward, never forgetting the day, but no longer actually celebrating...it is not the same and never will be, because he will never come back. The other day while listening to Bittersweet, by Dj Neil Armstrong something clicked when I heard this clip "you wake up every day and it hurts a little bit less, then you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all, and its kinda weird because you almost miss that pain." Please take that quote for what it is in the context of this blog. Everyday of my widowhood is different and there are days that are hard and days that are easy, I am making a choice to make our anniversary a easy day.

I have an agenda for this day, and I have chosen to not want to spend this year alone, but rather with the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with. I am beyond blessed to have the support that he provides for me, I am thankful that if I did want to spend it alone he understands. We will be doing things in honor of Joe that day and will make the best of it.

So I was not planning on blogging however I was reading some fellow widow blogs and came across something that really touched my soul, in many ways, gave me chills and made me think I needed to write. It is a song called When I was Drinking, those of you that know me and the grieving process I went through as well as the fact that Joe loved beer..LOL...that was the insert joke here moment. On a more serious note listen to the words.