Come and Gone

Thanksgiving as come and gone, however this Thanksgiving will always be remembered by me. It was actually one of my first quiet, mellow, not much running around to do in a long time. There came a point where we ate chilled and wanted to get Pook out to have some cousin companionship. We get into the car and not too long into the ride she falls asleep. I look over at Jess and tell him "hey why don't we go to the corner" the corner is where Josiah's accident happened. I hadn't been there in a while and never really got time to go on the actual day of a holiday, and we were headed in that direction so it sounded like a great idea. We get there, park, pooks is still asleep, so I tell him to leave the car running, but then i turned around again and she is waking up, right away I could tell she was not going back to sleep. I then took a deep breathe and asked her if she would like to see something really special, she responds with yes. I then get her out of the car and walk her across the street to where the cross/memorial area is for Josiah. I ask her "do you know what this is?" her response is "this is where my daddy had his accident, she then goes on about how he was on his motorcycle coming from over there fell off his bike and hit the rock" I correct her by telling her that her daddy did not hit the rock but his bike did. She got to for the first time in 2 years sign the cross that we have there for him and look at all the stuff people have left. She decided she wanted to take one of the motorcycles here so I let her. We get in the car and start making our way to our destination and out of no where she says"I wish my daddy was never on a motorcycle, he should have been in a car"she then starts saying "I am sorry daddy"So I ask her why is she sorry and she says "because she didn't want her daddy o ever fall again"yes I nearly lost it but had to still hold it together so that she would know it is ok to talk about this. We made it to our destination and as she played with her cousins she was carefree again.

The next day I come home from shopping to hear her crying hysterically in her room. walk in and ask her what is wrong and all she keeps saying is "she misses and wants her daddy"all I could do was hold her, I held her tight and just let her cry until she let most of it out.

It sucked, it sucked to see my baby in so much pain, and pain that I will NEVER be able to take away. I wanted to cry for her, with her, but knew she needed me at that moment. Since then she has made one mention to my mom that she really misses her daddy. It is such a helpless feeling to know that you can do nothing to ease the pain she is going through. I also have to accept and realize that just because she was 2 when he died that does not mean that she will not mourn his death. Just wish I was a little more prepared for these moments. Everything happens for a reason, I am a firm believer in that. I know we were where we were supposed to be on Thanksgiving. The events that played out were supposed to happen, and I am grateful that she was able to see the place that I hold so dear to my heart.

I was encouraged and supported by many on those days

of sadness/happiness. For that I will always be grateful for as well.