The day my life changed, and cleaning out the closet!

So today Jess told me that one of his cousins husband had a heart attack. they were scheduled to get married in July and is in her mid to late 20's...So of course as I am cleaning all i can say is well if she needs resources such as books and websites let me know I would be more than glad to talk to her. Well I said a lot more than that but cutting it short for you guys. As we are cleaning I am reminded about my loss....partially because the last time I cleaned my kitchen blinds was in attempt to escape my life. I know that will make sense to fellow widows, but for those that have no idea what I am talking about here it is. So in attempt to feel normal, escape the pain, there were MANY times that I kept myself SO busy that there was really no time to think...and by the time there was I was so exhausted that I would just pass out. Those were usually my best nites of sleep. So needless to say when Jess was cleaning the blinds that story came up of when I cleaned all 5 mini blinds. Usually when i go into reminiscing mode is when I look for other widows, once again an attempt to feel normal. I go reading blogs etc to remind me that I am not alone. Well in doing so I read this blog which I am a follower of. And I was going to write a comment but knew that my comment would end up being so long that I decided to write my own blog to answer this question When did you clean out your husband's closet?

This is a tough one for me, so i will start by saying that I am BEYOND grateful for those that were here when everything happened. I am going to start with some history that may or may not have been mentioned in a previous post.

I got the cal around 5:15 from Josiah's best friend Art. I had Ariyana down for her nap, so that when he got home she would be in a good mood. I had just pulled clothes out of the dryer and threw them on the couch when the phone rang. I saw Art's name on the caller ID ans hesitated on answering it...but then my gut said uh no wait why is he calling they should be riding..and I answered. I hear Art tell me that Josiah has been in a accident and all that I could say is dude quit playing...he says I am not playing they are going to be taking him to Valley med (I live on south side of SJ, and that is the west side of SJ)..I remember getting mad and asking him why would they do that if he has his Kaiser card and you guys are not that far from kaiser. Long story short I called my mom to come to the house, and I got to Valley med in about 5 minutes with traffic and Josiah is not there. I can not get a hold of Art, and when I call my house my mom is on the house phone with him, She is freaking out I ask her to calm down and hang up with Art. I get a a hold of him all to find out that they took him to Alexian brothers (on the East Side of SJ)..Never once did it cross my mind that the reason they are transporting him to this facility is because it is a trauma unit. I make it to the east side and as I am walking up to the emergency room I see a gurney being pulled in...I know my husbands body VERY well and it was my baby! but I could not see his face.

I get into emergency and they tell me I have to wait. After a while they pull me in and start asking me if there are any features that they would be able to identify him by? at this point I realize this is serious, almost freak out and ask why is he unidentifiable? they say no they just want to make sure they have the right guy, and send me back out into the waiting room. I get a call from one of my girlfriends asking me about something that was going on that weekend. apparently she can sense something is wrong so I tell her Joe was in a accident but I know nothing and need to get off the phone. I get off the phone and as I am walking back in to the waiting room am approached by a man asking if I am Josiah's wife. I say yes and he says lets go somewhere we can talk privately. I follow him as he asks me what i know of the accident. I tell him not much. so he starts to tell me that it was a serious accident and that he went into cardiac arrest and they had to bring him back once, he goes on to tell me that he has severe internal bleeding and that they are most likely going to have to do surgery. As he is saying all of this he is trying to get us into the surgery waiting room but it is locked. he makes a call to have it unlocked and as he hangs up i hear the sound of the (push here to open door) lever, they turn the corner with a gurney and all i see is feet and as i look at the body more i see my husbands legs...and I look at the guy and say that is him...that is him..the guy looks back at me in shock like shit that wasn't supposed to happen...and as fast as I saw him he was gone and through another set of double doors....

Here is where the magic begins: As I am now sitting in the surgery waiting room still not comprehending the true severity of the situation little by little my closest group of friends start showing up. After about a hour or so we have about 40 people in the waiting room and in the hallway. I remember asking certain people how did you find out, and was shocked that every one was there. Still not realizing that that was all part of "the plan"from that day forward I will never be alone and he made sure of that!

Making it short again (although it does not seem like it)the doctor finally comes out and asks to talk to the immediate family...and we all know what the end result was!

So I get home at god knows what time (vero and co stay the nite with me) i wake up and take a shower cuz there were now errands to be ran. I take care of what needed to be take care of and come home to a SPOTLESS house (thanks to the girls), and a Costco run (thanks to the guys). Meaning my house is super clean and I know had everything I needed from dish soap to tp to pretzels. Well here is where it is bittersweet and will finally get to the answer to the question. All clothes have been washed meaning I have NOTHING that smells like my husband...as much as I was mad, sad...I knew I had to be appreciative...who would have thought I wanted to smell anything and everything that has ever touched his body.

Something tells me to go outside and on one of the steps there is a shirt that he must have worn to work and taken off to throw his jacket on over his undershirt. To this day it hangs on the headboard of my bed. For a while it even smelled like him and I would sleep with it.

There were things I started giving away right away. Things that I knew would be important to others to have. and there were things that I still hold onto. The only person that fit his clothes was his brother so I had him go through the closet and take what he wanted, but making sure he did not take stuff that I knew was Josiah's favorite. little by little i would get rid of stuff, but it was on my time. I am going on 2 years and i just recently gave some more stuff away that had been hanging in the closet. I have a pile on top of the closet that has 1 pair of dress hoses for Ariyana to see and some of his favorite or my favorite clothes. I also have a stack of hats that he wore and every once in a while I smell that. It can bring back so many memories...I also have a deodorant of his that I smell every once in a while as well. I know it may sound crazy but it is almost all i have left of him....so cleaning out the closet is still a ongoing process but it is all when I am ready...no one can make me do anything sooner than I want to.

I knew that would be way to long to post as a comment. Sorry Michele of Widows Voice.
And thank you ladies for making my house so clean. I love you all for what you did and please do not feel sorry for washing my clothes.