Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Brain Freeze
It is amazing what trauma can do to your brain. I used to have such a great memory until Joe past away. I was just asked the other day when Ariyana was potty trained and it is amazing how long it took me to answer that question and all because it was within that year that Joe died. One time Jess asked me when she actually started sharing her feelings (mommy you made me sad) and I had no clue whatsoever. and it is amazing that no matter how much you try to reconnect the dots with other things that may have been going on at the time...it all leads right back to his death and around that time. I am slowly getting better with my memory but just feel like a bad mommy when I can't answer the simplest thing about my princess. It almost makes me feel like was I really there. Now we all know that answer to that. I know now that I was physically here but mentally I think it is safe to say I checked out for a while. Not on purpose, but due to such a traumatic moment in my life. So Pook if you ever read any of these blogs, please know baby that just because I can not remember certain things does not mean that i do not love you. I love you more then you will ever know...and you are what got me through the toughest point of my life. it's me and you against the world baby. 
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It was your way of coping. It was your way to do what needed to be done. It was your minds way of staying within the vicinity of sanity. Slowly but surely little things here and there will come back to you. As like grieving you can not rush it. You are doing a fine job, better than most and I know a lot better than any of us could have handled things. Ariyana knows you love her, Ariyana knows what a wonderful mother she has. Keep doing what you've been doing because even when you doubted yourself the most you were always one step ahead of the game. I love you!
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