4 Years

But whose counting... 

Yes we are approaching the 4th year, August is a bittersweet month for me.  I get to celebrate another year that my daughter is alive and then two days later get to celebrate another year that he is not with us.  I must say so far I think I am doing ok.  It's tricky, to feel happiness one day, pushing myself through a day that should be so special to only dread the days to come.  I wish her birthday could be just that, her birthday, with nothing else attached to it.  I know that she has adjusted to our new life, but I know that there are times that she can not help but wonder about her daddy.  

The other day we were in the car with one of her cousins, on the way to the fair and he was talking about his 2 dads, and as i am listening she then chimes in so proudly and says I have 2 dads too.  Unsure of what she was going to say next my heart dropped, assuming she was going to go into the story, but no she changed the subject and was excited she could see the fair approaching.  What I was amazed about was her tone, she was so confident and excited to say she had 2 dads, there was no sadness in her voice.  It was another one of those moments that I then knew I have done all I can to do right by her.  To keep his memory alive, while having some one in her life to build her self esteem, to teach her a daddies love.  

There is not a day that goes by that I do not wonder what my life would be like if he was still alive, how he would be with her, how she would be with him.  There is not a day that goes by that he is not in my thoughts at some point.  It's hard for me to hate the month of August, as much as I wish I could.  As the day approaches I will be forced to deal with feelings that I work so hard to put on the back burner, I will be forced to relive that day/night, what followed, the emotions, or lack of.  UGHHHHHHHH so not looking forward to it.